deprimiert

i'm far from your expectations & there's nothing i can do to salvage the situation.

now what? are you happy now?

if you don't think that there's any possible way i could amount to anything...

then you might as well drop the topic.

why not pretend that i don't exist;

rather than showing your disappointment and regret so unabashedly?

i get it. you are ashamed of me.

you wish these did not happen.

you wish i were more like you.

you have made up all sorts of reasons and explanations as a pathetic attempt to ease your conscience - that the fault lies with me and not you. that i'm a failure and you wish there was a way you could cut off all connections with me but you are too noble and kind for that.

yes. i am to be blamed.

yes. i am too old to use immaturity as an excuse.

yes. i am not allowed to say "i don't know" anymore because it is an invalid statement.

but no. i did not leave singapore to run away.

i would have stayed. but i wanted to keep my options open because i could not decide on the courses to take. &yes, i did well enough for my exams to allow me to stay; but i chose otherwise.

but you did not see that i did well for my exams.

you did not for a moment feel proud of me.

when i actually take an initiative to make a decision,

the decision is never good enough.

when i avoid and do nothing,

it's deemed as a lack of discipline and thoughtfulness.

when i stumble and feel lost,

it's expected of me to be able to find the "right" answer.

i know i'm not a kid anymore.

i know i need to show more maturity if i want to be treated as an adult.

but the truth is, i'm not ready for any of these.

i'm tired. i'm lost. i'm confused. i really don't know what to do. &i'm tired of finding all the "wrong" answers; answers that are different from yours.

sometimes i wish i could give you a good excuse. something like "oh, she is chronically depressed. she cannot handle stress that is why we are so lenient on her. it's a shame but we still love her." maybe that would have solved your guilt, your shame, your inability to grasp the reason why i am so different, so rebellious, so distant, so imbecile, so worthless, so ungrateful, so disdainful.

&the reason why i cannot talk to you about anything, is because i am tired of being told that i am a failure. or your insinuations. you stopped talking to me 6 years ago, what makes you think that by screaming at me that i am good-for-nothing would change the situation now? nothing will ever be good enough for you.

i'm tired of changing. tired of being hurried to grow up.

along the way i didn't learn anything. i was in such a rush so much so that

everything was a blur.

&in a blink my life, too, might just become a blur...

i'm sorry for being who i am.

i wish. on your behalf. that i do not exist.

and i wish, for your sake, that won't hang around for too long.

don't worry that'll be my birthday wish for any that comes.